Eddy vs Winnie The Pooh
by MozzoJijo
Summary: Over-the-top yet immature fanfiction I wrote at the start of the decade.
1. Chapter 1

Eddy vs. Winnie the Pooh

BY MozzoJijo

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The door slammed shut enough to slender a bolt of dents that almost covered it in its entirety.

"Stupid fucking Kevin, stupid fucking jawbreakers, I OUGHT TO CUT OFF HIS NIPPLES AND SELL THEM IN THE MARKET FOR A GRAND EACH! TWICE THE AMOUT EBAY IS WILLING TO OFFER!" yelled Eddy vigorously, approaching his bed.

The remote control was at his side, begging him to open the vault of TV programming guaranteed to erase a memory or two. It worked for homework assignments; a situation like this would be just as convenient.

Eddy turned the switch on. All that seemed to be featured was Winnie the Pooh. Eddy groaned menacingly as he pressed the channel button.

Strangely enough, the channel didn't budge.

Eddy pressed it a couple times more, to the point he was jumping on the remote like a trampoline on a sunny day. He gave in and tried changing the channels manually.

Making no difference, Eddy painfully knew that as he almost smashed the TV, aggressively massaging the tension from his eye sockets.

"WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?" Eddy bellowed as he continued to hear the annoyance of the song.

"WINNIE THE POOH, I LOVE YOU!" sang the same verse twenty times per minute, with almost no end to it. It kept spinning through Eddy's mind, fusing into his pupils at one point as he was transported into a twilight zonian world where the song conquered his visual psychosis, colors of the words swirling into a vortex of mediocre music.

Echoing into the nonexistent abyss to make sure Eddy knew it and nothing more. Shaking his empathy away from the flesh, Eddy punched the TV screen like a mirror of his own pitifully conformist reflection.

"Enough." Eddy wincingly grunted as he held the relays of his TV's insides, in between all that broken glass and tangled wires.

The song slowly died away, and so did Eddy's pain as he adapted a malevolent smile which slowly grew to take up what remain of his head.

It was a smile that he cherished as he dropped the parts and walked into his closet.

Opening it, he entered a side of the wall and scraped part of it off until hidden words behind all that paint reading "Secret room" were visible. He pressed each letter in an ambiguous order, which made the walls shift into a mechanical opening of another dark room.

A shocking discovery to amaze anyone except Eddy's accustomed ire was lit into view as soon as Eddy switched the lights on.

Each wall, nine feet in perimeter, was adorned with a variety of pistol enthused weapons. Eddy had everything: from grenades to grenade launchers, from flair guns to magnum .68s, from shotguns and Tommies to .196 Caliber Carcano rifles and Multi proficiency 500 m effective range Bushmasters.

"Ba ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !" Laughed Eddy maniacally without shame at the clutch of his favorite choice: The LWRC M6A2 Tricon International with a 14.7 inch barrel and spiral fluting.

He promised himself he would wait for a special occasion to make the bullets on this one worth it.

Now came the time at long last as he cocked it once but at the same time like there was no tomorrow.

CHK-CHK!

(Meanwhile at Pooh's penthouse)

"All right, listen 'ere, Tigger! If that fucking excuse of a rodent don't got the dough by Eleven at moonshine, go a'ead and tell the bloody Lepus and that ratpack family of 'is I'll burn 'is fucking garden with them in it after I get all ´em carrots shoved the medieval approach up 'is rabbit 'ole, got that?" said the sunglasses bearing Pooh to the phone in one hand while a bottle of whiskey fizzed to the ground in the other.

"And do get me another squeeze, poor bloke Robinson's Mum needs 'er prostate checked after last night. Stupid cunt, can't 'ave a party or keep the back door open at the same fucking…"

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

"…Time? mm?" said Pooh as he heard the banging coming from the backdoor.

Once he approached, it seemed silent enough to assume that same person might have departed from their first try. At least that's what Pooh doubted that very second.

"I've waited LONG ENOUGH!" Yelled Eddy, who for some reason, stood fifteen feet away from the very entrance he'd physically requested entrance from.

"What the?..." said Pooh before hearing seconds later a hissing type of sound. His confusion made him correctly amount to the worst of what was going on.

"OH…MY…!" Yelled Pooh before realizing what was on the brink of happening.

"JUMP!"

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

A fifth of Pooh's condo, at least its backside, was now falling in flames and ashes after the dynamite opened it up. It took maybe a minute for Pooh to realize that apart from the smoke, the coast was clear from his cover.

And once even the smoke was blown away by the gentle breeze, Pooh could only see the one kid that managed to destroy it. His glare somehow reminded the orange bastard of a worthy opponent he'd deserved without a familiar, economic or even harrowingly emotional cause of retribution.

The situation was justified maybe except for dominating the cable in his already miserable life, giving Pooh little the less reason to smile in pursuit. He wanted this ill will the same way a forty year old virgin wanted a twenty year old bitch.

"Knock KNOCK!" Yelled Eddy as soon as he knew the smoke had no part in Pooh attacking his heated eye contact.

_To be continued…_

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_0_O….WHAT THE FUCK WAS I ON WHEN I WROTE THIS?!_


	2. Chapter 2

Eyes seemed to substitute guns in this Mexican standoff. Pooh's Onyx gleam, almost a worthy opponent against Eddy's heavy quantity of empty cornea's his kind came equipped with.

They aimed at each other, directly placing the horizon in its place, with surprisingly no neighbors to trespass in this. Eventually, Eddy could hear Winnie the Pooh's aggressive impatience, disguised as the breeze that blew away any of the remaining dust.

Or was that just his own?

Pooh squinted as pity for insult towards Eddy's weak endurance to his yellow glaze. It was only a shame that Eddy could read him. And to Eddy, it was easy when all he was reading was patched up upholstery that wasn't worth a millisecond of his time.

Pooh realized it once it appeared that in order to squint his cheek, he had to smile a bit, giving a stepping sound into his little yellow ears. It came from Eddy's feet as they moved forward. For someone small Eddy was a tree from the hundred acre woods compared to Pooh.

But he wasn't here to express pity, not as long as he knew it was synonymous with mercy. Eddy briskly flung his index finger in the same direction that shot towards Pooh's buttons for eyes.

"YOU BASTARD!" yelled Eddy, while Pooh kept a straight but grinning face. "YOU STOLE TV FROM ME! YOU'RE ON EVERY CHANNEL!"

Pooh had nothing, but still crossed his arms. He'd faced so many fledging stars in the past, some that he'd had to kill, which could always explain why they never made it past a fourth season if not less. Eddy was just another prawn on this richly colored world he owned.

"Yup, that's true" replied Pooh with his spray-painted nose high up in the air, his grin eventually meeting it up to that level. Pooh had no reason to sacrifice his pride for any snot-nose that thought he could mosey along without expecting the fuzz to justifiably adopt his ass out.

"And what can you do?"

Pooh couldn't tell if his words were so blindingly perfect or given the speed of Eddy's arm, that he didn't see the next move coming. This hole was hollow enough to be mistaken for the average vortex. Eating away from reality was what the faintest textures of the blurry darkness that abyss had to offer. The bear was made to wonder if it really was all black or if darkness alone could make somebody blind.

Otherwise that was a pretty dense barrel of a bullet-hole Pooh could strain in wishing he wasn't visualizing.

"Oh God…" Pooh almost whispered as the gun lowered itself to aim at its mouth on a multitude's worth of sweat to pour.

"See you in Hell" Muttered Eddy, who still refused to hint at the slightest smile, making his grandfather Clint Eastwood proud to the grave, if only he had the pleasure of such sin.

By then, Pooh snapped and realized what Eddy had done. Not only had he trespassed within a five mile radius of his turf, blown up part of his mansion, entered without invitation and threatened him to murder.

But he also did all of that under the impression that he gave even a millimeter's worth of a squirt a piss for his crap.

"YOU CAN'T KILL ME!" roared Pooh before holding the LWRC away from any inch of his face and tossing it out with the rest of the rubble. Eddy turned to his weapon before getting back on Pooh right as he prolonged the statement.

"I AM POOH!" yelled the ferocious imaginary creature, expecting someone behind Eddy to hear as well.

"WINNIE THE FUCKING POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"

Eddy's eyeball twitched.

"What the fu…" said Eddy as it was all he could conjure up before it hit him, literally.

Pooh uppercut Eddy's chin, his claws scratching a patch of his chin off. This quickly left a purple blemish around one of his eye sockets.

After that, he woke Eddy back up with a right hook, this time making his cheek extend along with his neck in order to land him into the ground just as hard as he landed him with that hit.

And finally, as Eddy still remained on the ground, Pooh body slammed him in order to make him endure the tuberculosis like a sponge and cough out any that remained.

By that moment, Pooh was happy enough to remain sitting on the crunched kid enough to assume that he probably died. It didn't matter anyway as he'd knocked him unconscious enough for the next condemned moments to waste away and enjoy this celebration with another hour of whiskey and fornicating whores all he wanted.

He was the happiest bear alive. Such resilience could only be achieved by the most favorite of a childhood treasures.

As long as other kids bought to him, it didn't matter if one of them died.

"SAY HELLO…" Yelped after the last batch of bloody vomit was expelled once and for ultimately all.

"TO MY LITTLE FRIEND"

Pooh didn't even get the fair chance to turn around. Eddy's stomach had been fractured good and made him throw up, from his mouth, massive amounts of blood.

At that millisecond, Pooh's stomach WAS massive amounts of blood, accompanied by guts, intestines and the occasional watery undigested booze. So so much for upholstery, flying everywhere, to anyone who didn't believe in that shit.

Nobody would have known where Eddy might've pulled out a M2 Browning machine gun at such a short notice. And nobody could even dare deduce if Eddy was planning to have Pooh make road kill much tidier once he was finished with him or if his death would ensure a half's worth of percentage for his house.

By then, it was all up to Eddy to see what he wanted to do when it came to hardcore vengeance.

Especially on that silly old bear.

_The End!_

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_….Ah, the late 2000s/early 10s. How times have gotten worse. XP….Ah, the late 2000s/early 10s...But we all have to leave High School sooner or later. XP_


End file.
